The Worst

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Grudgingly, I come to full consciousness. I readjust my position, trying to alleviate the discomfort my body is feeling. The new position offers no solace. My bare feet touch the coolness of the sheets where warmth has not been established yet. Warmth. My favorite part of being in bed during this cold season. Sigh. I must arise and go forth. Nature's call is hard to ignore when it's this insistent.

I roll out from under my covers, hoping that the warmth will be preserved in the miniscule amount of time I will allow myself to be absent. I toe my way to the bathroom and hold my arms out in front of my body, feeling the air for the existence of any object ready to jump out at me from the darkness. My fingers find the light switch and flip it up. The blinding light forces my weary eyelids to squeeze shut. I squint through one tiny slit to find my way to the porcelain chair.

My body closes the gap towards the seat and suddenly my mind screams at me "COLD SEAT!!!" My downward momentum is immediately suspended. What to do? I cannot continue to hold the gallons keeping residence in my bladder and sleep the rest of the night in peace. But how can I put my little behind on the freezing surface of the seat and not get hypothermia instantly? This was a major dilemma that I shouldn't have to mull through at this time of sleepiness.

The battle rages through my brain, seeming to take years of my life away but in all reality lasting mere micro-seconds. Discomfort was a factor in each option. One would last longer and seemed more endurable at the moment. The other was quite fleeting, as my body would warm the seat in a matter of moments but what miserable moments they were going to be. Ah!

Of all times of the year to wake in the middle of the night with this ridiculous need to make my way to the lavatory. The coldest night in all of the world's history and beyond, was the night it had to happen. Gritting my teeth and deciding that it was comparable to ripping off the bandaid, I almost fell on the seat.

What a horrible sensation. The freezing cold seat and me coming together was not something I was enjoying. I hurried my activity as much as I was able. Didn't even bother to sing the ABC's in my head as I washed my hands half-heartedly and as quickly as possible.

I shut the light off, for which my eyes are extremely grateful. The way back to my waiting bed is impossibly long but I finally crawl in between the lukewarm blankets and get comfortable once again. My mind wanders listlessly back to wondrous sleep...

Very cold stuff
  1. A really really cold picture courtesy of winterfrost hatred.


Matt November 20, 2010 at 11:51 PM  

I guess in this respect it's better to be male. In two respects: not only do we not have to sit down, but (if you're good enough, like me), you don't even have to turn on the light! Hah!

Anthan November 21, 2010 at 5:49 PM  

O.o I'm not even sure how you'd be able to do that. It's like trying to snipe somebody without a scope. But whatever. And I have to say Ash, you deciding to write about THIS subject puts you in a whole new light for me.

Rachel November 21, 2010 at 9:35 PM  

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I tried to ignore my contractions before Katie was born. I was pretty sure I could sleep through them until morning, but alas, I had to leave my warm (July) bed as well. Be glad you can go back to bed at least!

Matt November 22, 2010 at 11:08 AM  


Actually, in Halo I sometimes can snipe without using my scope.

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