Will I disappear?

Friday, December 16, 2016

I went through school, imagining life as a married woman. 

Imaginations ensued: Enya playing in the background, children sitting quietly on the couch reading wonderful wholesome books that I probably recommended to them, my husband coming home from a hard day at work to a home cooked meal and a clean home.


Now that I have become engaged and we've truly been making plans about our future together, it's been an interesting phenomenon but I have seriously grappled with the idea of me staying at home...alone...to clean, cook, abandon my career. Growing up, it was a natural thing to latch on to the idea of me staying home to take care of the children and the home. Now that I have a promising career as a pretty good Landscape Designer (if I do say so myself), it has been astonishing how hard it seems for me to give it up. 

6 years of undergraduate studies with two major changes and lots of student loans for me to discover my passion for working art and plants into one masterful plan.


My fiance is very appreciative of my capabilities and doesn't want me to give up my passion! I'm so grateful to him for this!! :) But as I've thought it through in personal scripture study and discussed with Jim, I have realized what has happened. 

  • I lost sight of the most important goal - Christ. To become like him. By my actions to learn His ways and to come closer to Him until the perfect day.
  • I then lost sight of the second most important goal - to bring my children to His feet. To teach them of His love and His plan for all His children.
  • Over the years of being alone and moving toward the only goal I had control of, my education, I had let my passion take all the space in my heart. I must allow space for my amazing husband and then for each special child that God sends me needs even more space. I was unwilling to give up that space merely because I had discovered my passion. They will be my passion!! 
  • I had decided that my importance in the Landscape Design world was more important than my importance in the home as a protector of my children. 
Satan has become so subtle that even tweaking my love for plants took precedence over my future as a mother. Women today get so caught up in what they are missing out on from the men's side of the world - myself included - that they don't realize how Satan has completely thrown their focus in the wrong direction.

These new spirits enter the world without knowledge given to them and it is up to the mothers to protect the upbringing of their children.

But oh no!! They don't get to have the Priesthood! How unfair of this Church and the MEN who run it.

This is so sneaky of Satan - teaching the children that Daddy doesn't have a distinct role in their lives, or Mommy for that matter. Teaching them that Fathers don't need to respect the Mother's role as their Mom because she could easily fit Dad's shoes. Teaching them that Mothers don't need to respect Father's role as their Dad because he should learn to take on her role as Mom. How dare we set gender roles in our family??

But how stable is a home where the Mom is fighting to take over her husband's role? Is there foundation in a home where a father who is a man and therefore without the softer tendencies, staying home to teach his daughters? No offense but men just don't have it in them. Men are rougher in nature and I think not quite as capable as caring for the tender heart and feelings of a young girl who will grow up in a world struggling with body image problems and self-confidence issues.

Women, I am just about as feminist as one can come before becoming a fanatic. I have always fought to run as fast as the boys, play as hard, be expected to work as hard, lift as much, etc. But my life would have been a mess if I had not had a father who presided in the home. Is my only connection to God through his Priesthood? Absolutely and RESOUNDINGLY no. My connection to God is my own through His Holy Spirit. But neither is the man without the woman nor the woman without the man.

Ladies, we need to stop looking at only the last part of that sentence. I had a friend recently leave the Church and one of the reasons she shared she had made the decision was because she couldn't take it that we taught that women can't have that connection to God without a man. We ALL have that connection and there is never a time that the scriptures OR the teachings of the Church say that. But it is taught that to attain the highest degree of glory, we must be complete, with a man and they with a woman. Is that such a hard thing to want? To be required to have a companion for the rest of eternity? "Boy that's too hard for me. I want to get there myself and I want all the responsibilities and Church Callings and the Priesthood Power bestowed on me - not just my husband. I want to be him not me."

I'm so sorry that I am getting worked up about this. But it has angered me to the point of insanity to watch women degrade men, degrade the men in the Church or in the world, to absolutely tear down the role of Fathers, Priesthood Holders, Husbands, Leaders, God. Yep, you got it. That is exactly where that line of thinking is taking you.

How fitting that Satan is depicted as a snake. Many snakes hunt effectively by being quick and quiet. Back to my story. Satan saw a doubt in me. A fear to give up my work as a Landscape Designer, where I have been admired right alongside men for my abilities and hard work. He jumped on that and made it grow. Almost to the point where I wanted to ask to work for a few more years (precious child-bearing years) to do what I love and I didn't even realize that he had done so.

Many people have chosen that path and I can't fault them for it. But I can say with all the conviction in my heart, that God did not intend that for me. While there is still a sadness in my heart for giving up my love in Landscape Design, there is a greater drive in me to raise my children in the footsteps of their Savior and with the Spirit of the Lord. To STOP Satan at my doorstep and protect my children, to raise them in a Christ-centered home. To have hope, to learn obedience, respect, love, charity, kindness, hard-work, ethics, to love themselves, to be strong, to be confident. To rise as the next generation in a world where doubt is considered "the brave thing to do" and learn how faith and righteousness is the brave thing to do.

So when I hear that women can't stand the fact that they can't stand the teachings of the Church because it's all about the men, I take it a personal offense against the men in my life who have made my life easier as a woman in a very degrading world. Because that is all really just an excuse. No offense intended. It is my opinion and from what I hear, opinions are meant to be tolerated.

Answer: I will not disappear. I will be remembered as a loving mother, wife, and woman. A strong woman. 

Okay! Rant over! Have a Merry Christmas!!!! :)


Rachel January 9, 2017 at 1:43 PM  

I can relate to your feelings. I had a hard time quitting work when Josie was born, and there are still some things I struggle with being at home all the time. Parenthood has a way of exposing all your weaknesses. But it's also important to be there for your kids--to be that stability, that constant that they can always rely on. I don't think you will regret that decision--but I also think you'll still be able to pursue your passion while you are with them. You certainly won't disappear!

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