I've a thought

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I stare blankly at the room around me. I look to the objects occupying this room. None of them trigger the thought again. Blast! It had truly been an epiphany. Now I can't even remember what had spurred that line of thinking. Lame timing for a brain fart.

I walk around the room examining knickknacks and furniture letting my mind relax because we all know the harder you try to remember something the more elusive it becomes. But I can't help but thumb through my previous thoughts with a certain amount of purpose, hoping that the eureka moment will come up in the 'Recently Viewed' files. Nothin. I back track to the other room where I had been when the thought struck me.

Sitting in the same chair from before, I look at the things before me. Surely one of them was the object that gave birth to my amazing idea. Hmmm... Not a thing. How could such an awesome thought come to me and then just disappear? Darker forces are at work here.

What to do? What to do...?!

Oh wait! A fleeting remembrance. The thought was on the edge of my conscious and waiting for me to grasp it again. But alas, it is again out of my reach. I sigh in frustration and stand up, intent on continuing on with my life.

Then it happens! I remember! I rush into the other room and....Bah!!! No way. This was beyond ridiculous. I'm done! This is what going crazy must be like. I refuse to be crazy. I'm forgetting that I ever even had a 'thought' and doing something productive with my time.

Awesome thought? Yes. Remembering it? Obviously not. Bah.


No place like it

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I sit in my car, taking in the seemingly painted scene before me. Except for the light illuminating the air around the two story house, the world around me is blanketed in cold darkness. The silence and solitude that keeps me company, causes my stillness. I look to the beacon of light that this place represents in my life. What a wonderful feeling to return here. There is a sense of relief, of calmness. I know that here I am loved. It is here that my character was built. Here I have made memories.

Opening the door I climb out of the black vehicle and grab my things. The closer I come to the lit building, the more happy my being becomes. My feet barely the touch the ground as my heart feels lighter and freer.

The burdens of everyday life can be left outside at this place. I step through the threshold into the light. Warm greetings and shouts of excitement welcome my entrance. My face can't help but break into a smile. This place seems to increase the light in my spirit just by being here. Though the world has dumped snow on the world and on my life of late, nothing can take away the warmth and comfort here. This lit world within is my refuge, my safe place.

I can be myself here. I can find myself again. All the despairs and stresses of life are still a part of me, still looming in my mind but I can forget them...for a little while. I am filled with peace and tranquility because I'm home now. Home.


The Worst

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Grudgingly, I come to full consciousness. I readjust my position, trying to alleviate the discomfort my body is feeling. The new position offers no solace. My bare feet touch the coolness of the sheets where warmth has not been established yet. Warmth. My favorite part of being in bed during this cold season. Sigh. I must arise and go forth. Nature's call is hard to ignore when it's this insistent.

I roll out from under my covers, hoping that the warmth will be preserved in the miniscule amount of time I will allow myself to be absent. I toe my way to the bathroom and hold my arms out in front of my body, feeling the air for the existence of any object ready to jump out at me from the darkness. My fingers find the light switch and flip it up. The blinding light forces my weary eyelids to squeeze shut. I squint through one tiny slit to find my way to the porcelain chair.

My body closes the gap towards the seat and suddenly my mind screams at me "COLD SEAT!!!" My downward momentum is immediately suspended. What to do? I cannot continue to hold the gallons keeping residence in my bladder and sleep the rest of the night in peace. But how can I put my little behind on the freezing surface of the seat and not get hypothermia instantly? This was a major dilemma that I shouldn't have to mull through at this time of sleepiness.

The battle rages through my brain, seeming to take years of my life away but in all reality lasting mere micro-seconds. Discomfort was a factor in each option. One would last longer and seemed more endurable at the moment. The other was quite fleeting, as my body would warm the seat in a matter of moments but what miserable moments they were going to be. Ah!

Of all times of the year to wake in the middle of the night with this ridiculous need to make my way to the lavatory. The coldest night in all of the world's history and beyond, was the night it had to happen. Gritting my teeth and deciding that it was comparable to ripping off the bandaid, I almost fell on the seat.

What a horrible sensation. The freezing cold seat and me coming together was not something I was enjoying. I hurried my activity as much as I was able. Didn't even bother to sing the ABC's in my head as I washed my hands half-heartedly and as quickly as possible.

I shut the light off, for which my eyes are extremely grateful. The way back to my waiting bed is impossibly long but I finally crawl in between the lukewarm blankets and get comfortable once again. My mind wanders listlessly back to wondrous sleep...


Plumbum and Ferrum

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Strength. A personality trait everyone wishes to own. It lends to its bearer power, prestige, honor, and coveted status amongst peers.

But what is strength? Is it purely physical? Mental? Emotional? Grammatical? Is it attained individually? Does strength come from within? Is it to be found outside of ourselves? Do we realize our true strength? Or does it come in the instant it is tried?

Perhaps strength is lifting your body weight 10 times above your head. Strength could mean having bigger muscles than the other guy. Maybe the only thing with true strength are metals like lead and iron. Strength could be running farther and faster than ever before. Maybe strength is beating your opponent. Overcoming a particularly difficult obstacle. Beating Chesley at ninja...and everything else for that matter. ;) Maybe strength comes from knowing oneself. It could be getting over a bad habit like chewing with your mouth open or biting your nails. Strength could mean telling someone that you love them even when they might not love you back. Maybe you have to combine certain things like heat and iron to get the strength in steel. It could be righting a wrong. Sometimes it can be seen in the pride of triumph.

Strength can't in all reality hold one singular meaning and can't be contained in one dimension.

Strength isn't something easy to define. It is something within each of us that we have to discover. The Lord says that He will make weak things become strong if we come unto Him (Ether 12:27). Seems like an easy enough thing to do. But it's harder than just that. It's more than just coming to Him and following Him. It's walking through the darkness to eventually find our way to His side forever. It's following the pinpoint of light that He offers us in the surrounding bleakness and never looking away until we reach the presence of His all-encompassing light.

Strength is to take a step in the darkness, not knowing the way, but trusting that Someone Else does. Strength is in the humility to give up the mortal will for the assurance of an Eternal Will. Strength is finding hope in a world of seeming darkness and loneliness. Strength lies in admitting weakness. Strength is pushing harder when adversity strikes a heavy hand.

Strength is to overcome yourself. In each instance of strength, you overcome something in you. You become stronger each time. The Lord provides the opportunity for each of us to do this. He is the Way. In life we all go through hard things, some more than others. But the trials we go through, are the means for Him to temper us. Making us stronger. He is making steel, we just have to learn to take the heat and pounding for a little while.



Monday, November 15, 2010

The dating game is very much like the childish game of tag-you're-it. Both genders are playing and tagging one another, running around trying not to get tagged by the ones we don't want to be and hoping to get tagged by that certain person. Then if you're tagged you go for that person again. Sometimes two are lucky enough to find someone they like playing with alone and end up playing their own private game.

More often than not we all find the game gets really large. Tons of children come join the game and the entire schoolyard is our playing field. If only it were that simple.

The dating game has so many more rules and complexities. Most of the time the game starts with the male player making his move, followed by a reciprocated movement by the female player.

In my experience the game goes so much better when both key players are trying to win. If only the one is playing and the other isn't, the game goes nowhere, it is at a standstill. The one playing gets frustrated and the other doesn't understand why they are getting so emotional about a mere game.

But if the one competing is smart they will end that game and find another gamer. There's too much time wasted in trying to finish the game with them to the end knowing you'll come out finishing but leaving them behind.

The worst type of game played is when the time runs out and extenuating circumstances causes the game to end abruptly. Both players are left feeling unfulfilled and hurt.

A lot of times one of the players will decide that they need a break and leave the other sitting alone at the game. Or they will look around and see other games or other players and decide that they don't want to finish out that game they were playing and again leaving the other player alone.

Many times, there are female players aplenty, waiting and hoping for someone to notice their game set up, and come start a game with them. Sometimes, they are waiting a long time. The dating game is different than all other games played in this entire world because of one thing. The heart.

Anyone can play a game of tag and lose and still feel good about themselves.
Anyone can play a game of frisbee, lose and have hope for the next game.
Anyone can play a game of Canasta, lose by just a few points and still be happy.
Anyone can play a game of golf, hit the ball too far and have a good attitude.

But no one can play a dating game, lose, and still feel good about themselves, have hope for the next go around, be happy, or have a good attitude. Some are really good about getting over the hurt quickly. Others are really good about hiding their pain. A lot get discouraged and pack up their game, not willing to invest that part of themselves again.

There is more invested in a dating game than just time or effort, the heart is the biggest player. The heart is the end goal and the incentive. The heart is the means and everyone's biggest secret. Everything in the dating game revolves around the heart and affects the heart. That's why it isn't like any other game. We risk a lot more than we might get back. But then, when there is finally someone with whom we find our happiness, it all becomes worth it and the previous pain and hurt goes away. That is what the whole point of the dating game is. To find that happy ending. To get to the happily ever after.


Animal symphony

Sunday, November 7, 2010

My eyes open unwillingly. It is still dark. My brain is alert instantly. What is going on? My body remains in its exact position. No need to move. Since it's still dark, just go back to sleep. Shut again, my eyes try to pull the brain back to blessed sleep. No, that would be too easy. My brain runs its gears and stumbles through pointless thought. Why am I awake? The rest of my body grumbles and tells the control center not to worry about it. This is silly. It doesn't matter. 

Oh the curse of being a light sleeper. Really anything can wake me out of deep slumber, even rolling myself over in bed. So it is detrimental to try to figure out what is keeping me from going back to sleep. Because then I won't be able to forget it. That would be all that my tired brain would be able to think about. Blast. There it is again. Cock a doodle doo! So that's what's keeping me up. That tiny little fluff ball we call a rooster. It has to be like 4:30 in the a.m. What is this crazy male chicken thinking? Cock a doodle doo! The sun isn't even close to being up. We've got in the least a couple of hours. 

Maybe he'll come to his senses and stop soon. Cock a doodle doo! Nope. Of course he has to greet the blatantly missing sun every 20 seconds. Makes perfect sense. Cock a doodle doo! Ugh! I stuff my fingers in my ears and wait for sleep to help me relax. In which case I'll drop my hands and be awakened once again by the obnoxious rooster. 

An hour later I am cognizant again. Cock a doodle doo! Stupid, &*#%@# rooster!!! I'm pretty sure that murdering this hormonal birdbrain would make me very happy. I doubt that I would feel any regret in my decision... Cock a doodle doo! Dad is still in bed and he might think that he just got out and ran away from his little flock of adoring hens... Maybe not. Cock a doodle doo! Knives and a headless rooster were starting to seem like a really good idea.

Ruff! No. Way. Ruff! Ruff! If the neighbor's dog really thinks that he is going to get away with a misdemeanor like this...he is VERY wrong. Cock a doodle doo! Ruff! Ruff! I love nature. But not at 5:30 in the morning when I should be slumbering. In the day time I probably wouldn't even notice either of these sounds but because everything else is quiet and still, these sounds are amplified ten times over. Cock a doodle doo! What have I done to deserve this?! Ruff! Ruff!

It would seem that this one little feathered creature was waking all of the surrounding animals. The neighbor's horses began to nicker and paw at the ground. Minuscule sounds made huge in my overactive brain. 

Cock a doodle doo! Ruff! Nicker! Ruff! Pawwww! Ca Kaw!! That's it!!! With magpies, I draw the line! I'm getting a shotgun out of my dad's gun case. This war WILL end in  my favor. I sit upright with fury boiling my blood and fueling my weary body. 

Sudden silence. Was this a dream? Could it be they were waiting to torture me once I tried to close my eyes again? Hesitantly I lay my head on my pillow. Will this seeming silence last? Unused adrenaline still laces my veins... I close my eyes unwittingly, knowing that in just a short amount of time... I will be awakened again. But hunting is more than agreeable to me if these hooligans started their untimely singing again...


Size issues

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I am leaving campus, making my way home in the crisp fall air. Home. Home is a three story apartment building, gray siding with chipping paint, rotting boards, and rusting stairs. Despite the decrepit outward appearance, the inside has been transformed into a comfortable and cozy home. I am looking forward to making it back to the marginally warmer indoors. It is a bit nippy out and I am so very tired. A nap is more than welcome on my agenda. 

Looking down at my feet and watching all the fallen leaves as I pass them, I start to see something unbelievable. Of course there are red leaves, yellow leaves, orange leaves, greenish leaves, brown crunchy leaves, but the colors aren't the peculiarity I'm seeing. Every so often, amidst the array of color, I see an enormous, gigantic, huge, impossibly large leaf. Some of them quite possibly have more surface area than a serving plate. 

I, being the plant geek that I am, pick one up and continue my journey home, all the while staring in amazement at the huge plant appendage in my hand. I look back once or twice at the tree this abnormal thing must have fallen from. All the rest of the leaves look normal tree leaf size. 

Once I arrive home and drop all of my things on the couch I begin comparing the leaf to all sorts of things to verify it's true size...
Left: Platanus x acerifolia, Middle: Homo sapiens, Right: Acer platanoides
I compare it to my face. It is bigger. 
Maybe if I spread both of my hands across it...not even close. The leaf wins by a long shot. 
Couch cushion...maybe 2 1/2 times smaller. Maybe.
Both of my neighbor's shoes...it wins again. 
The large end of a guitar. Its lobes still hang over the edge.
My hips...it's a tie. 
I compare it to a record case. Almost the exact same size across in all directions. 
A cookie sheet...it takes up over half of its surface. 
It is larger than the butt indent on all of our dining chairs.  
                          An 8" x 11" sheet of copy paper...way bigger. 

This thing is humongous! I could use it as a hat, it's that large. Like on the Disney movie, Bambi, when all of the little chicks are huddled under the leaf that outsizes them and their mother combined. But those are little prairie birds. I'm a human and I could probably shelter myself under this thing. And it isn't even the largest that I had seen lying under its mother tree. 

I know what tree I want to stand under come drenching spring rainstorm. I say spring rainstorm because in a fall rainstorm...the huge leaves would fall and plaster themselves to your body. Unpleasant at best.


Math Class

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The bottom of my stomach has been sucked into a wormhole. I can feel that it is definitely bottomless down there now. Nothing sits right. Nothing sounds good. My world hangs on a balance. Everything weighs on this moment's decision. My entire future depends on here and now. But what do I do? To what end will this decision take me? Never before have I been faced with something so monumental. No matter my decision I cannot find peace in it. There is too much at stake for this to be an easy, quick thing. This stress is destructive to my health and well-being.

The worst part in all of this is that this decision doesn't include only myself. There is another student to this complex equation. That's what is making this so much harder. I know what my calculations to find x are, but now finding the correct solution rests on my fellow student. If this were simply my decision, I would make the best decision I could and live with it, be it wrong or right. But since the solution needs both x and y values, I must wait on the other. What if they come up with the wrong value? Then the solution will be different than it is supposed to be. How can I trust that they will make the right calculations? My help is useless since I have no credentials, so I know I can't tell them everything they need to know for their set of calculations. I raise my hand, trembling, towards the ceiling of the classroom.

The Teacher comes to my desk. He asks in his calming voice what He can do to help. Of course, I make sure that my calculations are correct first. He points out my mistakes and gives me the steps I need to fix them so that I can find my way to the correct value. He puts his reassuring hand on my shoulder, asking silently if I am okay, if I can continue on without His help for a little while. The only problem I have now is the worry I have concerning the other part of the equation. Timidly, I ask for Him to help my equational partner, that He will show them the correct calculations to the value. A small nod is the only affirmation I receive. I know that He can only do so much before it is still up to my peer to make those calculations. I hope that they listen. This is essential to a good grade. For both of us.


Mermaid Tears

Monday, November 1, 2010

"I don't know how. I don't know when. But I know something's starting right now. Watch and you'll see. Someday I'll be... part of your...world." I watch enthralled as the beautiful merprincess dramatically poses on the jagged ocean rock, waves splashing in symphony all around her, her red tresses flying in the wind. My young mind longs to be a beautiful, mysterious creature such as she.  The fantasy and the magic in this timeless show, excites my imagination. Visions of being enchanted and turning mermaid, whirl through my brain.

It's bath time tonight. Oh I can't wait. The tub has just the right angle to try what the red-headed mermaid did as she sang to her love on the beach. I wait impatiently as my mom gets my bath going, checking the temperature, and pulling out all of my favorite bath toys. Of course, tonight I will be setting those aside for a much more exciting bath pastime. The tub fills excruciatingly slowly! I have no patience for this tonight. My older sister, Camille, and I have to take baths together. She will probably think that my idea is dumb. She always does because I am the younger sister. Oh well. My imagination cannot be stopped by a mere mortal.

Finally the tub has enough water to get in and start 'bathing.' For a moment my idea is put aside as hair products are lathered into my scalp and I squeeze my eyes shut tight. I don't like getting the suds in my eyes. It hurts. Once our bodies have been scrubbed down and rinsed, we're allowed to play in the soapy water. Perfect! It was just as though it was the crashing ocean waves. I start singing the song from the movie and I slide up the side of the tub like a true mermaid. I can feel my clean hair swirling around my wet shoulders. When I've slithered back into the water, my sister has a look of amazement on her face.

"Let me try!" While I continue to sing the song she slides up and splashes water all over everywhere. It was awesome. She had looked just like Ariel. We took turns singing and splashing up the side of the almost empty tub. Laughing and having a ball, these were good times.

I'm sure that we'll get scolded, but it is too fun to think of that right now.


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