Esperance

A seed offers nothing in physical beauty for the world*s praise and as it is usually common in appearance; a seed poses little to attract the eye. But inside its rough exterior; a world of possibility slumbers. So much hope for a bright future hibernates in this little seed. The world around it is frozen; cold; and unfeeling but that coating protects a miracle waiting to happen. If the seed knew it's potential...would it be afraid? The amount of genetic coding that resides inside is enormous; enough to make any seed wary of its difficult and rewarding future.

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Will I disappear?

I went through school, imagining life as a married woman. 

Imaginations ensued: Enya playing in the background, children sitting quietly on the couch reading wonderful wholesome books that I probably recommended to them, my husband coming home from a hard day at work to a home cooked meal and a clean home.

SEEMED LEGIT!!

Now that I have become engaged and we've truly been making plans about our future together, it's been an interesting phenomenon but I have seriously grappled with the idea of me staying at home...alone...to clean, cook, abandon my career. Growing up, it was a natural thing to latch on to the idea of me staying home to take care of the children and the home. Now that I have a promising career as a pretty good Landscape Designer (if I do say so myself), it has been astonishing how hard it seems for me to give it up. 

6 years of undergraduate studies with two major changes and lots of student loans for me to discover my passion for working art and plants into one masterful plan.

SEEMS less LEGIT.

My fiance is very appreciative of my capabilities and doesn't want me to give up my passion! I'm so grateful to him for this!! :) But as I've thought it through in personal scripture study and discussed with Jim, I have realized what has happened. 

• I lost sight of the most important goal - Christ. To become like him. By my actions to learn His ways and to come closer to Him until the perfect day.
• I then lost sight of the second most important goal - to bring my children to His feet. To teach them of His love and His plan for all His children.
• Over the years of being alone and moving toward the only goal I had control of, my education, I had let my passion take all the space in my heart. I must allow space for my amazing husband and then for each special child that God sends me needs even more space. I was unwilling to give up that space merely because I had discovered my passion. They will be my passion!! 
• I had decided that my importance in the Landscape Design world was more important than my importance in the home as a protector of my children. 

Satan has become so subtle that even tweaking my love for plants took precedence over my future as a mother. Women today get so caught up in what they are missing out on from the men's side of the world - myself included - that they don't realize how Satan has completely thrown their focus in the wrong direction.

These new spirits enter the world without knowledge given to them and it is up to the mothers to protect the upbringing of their children.

But oh no!! They don't get to have the Priesthood! How unfair of this Church and the MEN who run it.

This is so sneaky of Satan - teaching the children that Daddy doesn't have a distinct role in their lives, or Mommy for that matter. Teaching them that Fathers don't need to respect the Mother's role as their Mom because she could easily fit Dad's shoes. Teaching them that Mothers don't need to respect Father's role as their Dad because he should learn to take on her role as Mom. How dare we set gender roles in our family??

But how stable is a home where the Mom is fighting to take over her husband's role? Is there foundation in a home where a father who is a man and therefore without the softer tendencies, staying home to teach his daughters? No offense but men just don't have it in them. Men are rougher in nature and I think not quite as capable as caring for the tender heart and feelings of a young girl who will grow up in a world struggling with body image problems and self-confidence issues.

Women, I am just about as feminist as one can come before becoming a fanatic. I have always fought to run as fast as the boys, play as hard, be expected to work as hard, lift as much, etc. But my life would have been a mess if I had not had a father who presided in the home. Is my only connection to God through his Priesthood? Absolutely and RESOUNDINGLY no. My connection to God is my own through His Holy Spirit. But neither is the man without the woman nor the woman without the man.

Ladies, we need to stop looking at only the last part of that sentence. I had a friend recently leave the Church and one of the reasons she shared she had made the decision was because she couldn't take it that we taught that women can't have that connection to God without a man. We ALL have that connection and there is never a time that the scriptures OR the teachings of the Church say that. But it is taught that to attain the highest degree of glory, we must be complete, with a man and they with a woman. Is that such a hard thing to want? To be required to have a companion for the rest of eternity? "Boy that's too hard for me. I want to get there myself and I want all the responsibilities and Church Callings and the Priesthood Power bestowed on me - not just my husband. I want to be him not me."

I'm so sorry that I am getting worked up about this. But it has angered me to the point of insanity to watch women degrade men, degrade the men in the Church or in the world, to absolutely tear down the role of Fathers, Priesthood Holders, Husbands, Leaders, God. Yep, you got it. That is exactly where that line of thinking is taking you.

How fitting that Satan is depicted as a snake. Many snakes hunt effectively by being quick and quiet. Back to my story. Satan saw a doubt in me. A fear to give up my work as a Landscape Designer, where I have been admired right alongside men for my abilities and hard work. He jumped on that and made it grow. Almost to the point where I wanted to ask to work for a few more years (precious child-bearing years) to do what I love and I didn't even realize that he had done so.

Many people have chosen that path and I can't fault them for it. But I can say with all the conviction in my heart, that God did not intend that for me. While there is still a sadness in my heart for giving up my love in Landscape Design, there is a greater drive in me to raise my children in the footsteps of their Savior and with the Spirit of the Lord. To STOP Satan at my doorstep and protect my children, to raise them in a Christ-centered home. To have hope, to learn obedience, respect, love, charity, kindness, hard-work, ethics, to love themselves, to be strong, to be confident. To rise as the next generation in a world where doubt is considered "the brave thing to do" and learn how faith and righteousness is the brave thing to do.

So when I hear that women can't stand the fact that they can't stand the teachings of the Church because it's all about the men, I take it a personal offense against the men in my life who have made my life easier as a woman in a very degrading world. Because that is all really just an excuse. No offense intended. It is my opinion and from what I hear, opinions are meant to be tolerated.

Answer: I will not disappear. I will be remembered as a loving mother, wife, and woman. A strong woman. 

Okay! Rant over! Have a Merry Christmas!!!! :)

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Life as we know it

"Struggling through the sea of people I drag my hefty bag of luggage towards the pile. Everyone was putting their baggage in the center of the room. I look around me at the other baggage people were dragging towards the pile. Some of them were huge!"

I think this had to do with that saying that if you ever had to put your trials in a pile with everyone else's, that you would still pick out your own. It was probably going somewhere amazing!
 

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Fists and paws

"My body refuses to fathom stagnancy at this moment with the copious amounts of adrenaline bound within. Fluid. Agile. Quick. Precise. I fend off numerous attackers. Their movements seem slow and sluggish as my pounding heart pumps fuel to my lightning fast limbs.

Shadows in the dark night move like sleek panthers toward me. The night seems to close in. Nothing is as it seems. My blood steams through my veins.

I bend down to avoid an attack to my face. I use a barrage of hands and feet to beat them all away. A persistent opponent continues to"

Guys I have so many drafts it's not even funny.... I have no idea or memory of this but perhaps a dream?

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Twinkle toes

I've never dreamt of wearing tutus or tie-up shoes. Grace and lithe serenity as befits a ballerina, weren't born with me in nature. I'm much more apt at sports and working in dirt.

I'm almost as flexible though...getting there anyways...

The most dancing I did as a kid was with my sisters to Swan Lake (usually performed in our dress-up tutus...), In the Hall of the Mountain (a song our mother used to get us to do our chores more quickly), and Peter and the Wolf. In my younger years I recall my Daddy leading me in the waltz with my sock-clad feet standing on his snake-skin boots (he used to call me "twinkle-toes"). I was raised on movies like Newsies, Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Meet Me in St. Louis...basically the old musicals with lots of fun dancing scenes.

I've always loved watching dancing. Especially when it looks like the dancer is having the time of their lives. As my taste in media and my view of the world and all of its many cultures has expanded, I have developed a love for actually dancing myself.

In High School I took a ballroom dance class. Rhythm, timing, form all came easily to me (with the younger boys in the class I usually ended up leading...which turned out to be very unhelpful later on as most 'manly' men don't appreciate the help...odd). Then my first couple years of college I went country dancing with my friends and roommates every Wednesday night (this is where me leading proved an annoyance...the line dances were my favorite).

Whilst searching for a fun elective, I stumbled upon African Dance (and gaped). I signed up for it immediately. I took it for three semesters in a row. Every class was enlightening, fun, energetic. The live drummers came to recognize me and I became fast friends with the hippy bunch (is anyone surprised?).

I want to be brown...and wear the black head piece on the left...

I'd always wanted to travel to Africa. Learning about the meanings behind the dances, moving to their ancient rhythm...it all made me feel like I was getting a taste of the rich African culture.

Recently (within the last couple of years) I was exposed to Bollywood. Hailing from India, it also comes from a deeply rooted traditional country. Bright happy colors flying around. Beautiful smiles on faces of the energetic dancers. The dances are exciting and fun with a lot of movement and happenin songs!

Dil Bole Hadippa...one of my favorites...with my favorite actor...

I love trying out the dances and I can usually pick up on the chorus because they repeat the moves but usually the fun parts are on the verses...so it would take much repeating and lots of practice to get those down. I love the colors! They are so bright and happy which makes me happy so of course I want to copy them. My sister, Melissa, and I are now owners of some pretty sweet Indian outfits..(soon to be owning more...straight from India...)...

As a small child I was completely enthralled with the Native Americans. Pocahontas was one of my favorite Disney movies(might have had something to do with the fact I had a HUGE crush on the cute red-headed Thomas). Camille and I used to run around being little Indians...grinding berries to make medicines, making bows and arrows (not very good ones might I add), setting up real live traps for the mean neighbors, once we even rubbed dirt all over our skin so we were darker. The culture of the Native Americans is also rich and ancient and as with the previous groups, dancing means something and can tell stories about the People. 

Awesome. The end.

They look so passionate when they are dancing. I went to a Pow Ow with my roommate and I was just mesmerized! It was so powerful for them. It meant something to them and that touched me.

Riverdance. What the awesome?! It comes from a land of lore and mystery, of enchantment. This form of dance also comes from an long-lived country. The light and carefree music leads the dancers through frivolity and gaiety! Every dance exudes the bubbling laughter of the people or the misty mysterious beauty of their myths.

They look so mysterious and gorgeous. LOVE.

My sister, cousin and uncle all participated in lessons and my sister taught me a little bit. It was so fun and light and lilting...just like their music.

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Land of the Tetons

 TRIP TO REXBURG 
/surrounding areas

Friday September 16, 2011

(Betsy starts the log)

5:15 - Betsy gets off work and rushes home because she thinks that
          Ashley will actually be ready. FALSE.
6:00 - Ashley takes forever
6:05 - Ashley takes forever
6:10 - Ashley takes forever
6:15 - We finally leave

"Put a suggestive face." -Ash

"And my brains are full of mucus." -Jacs

6:39 - Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum comes on the radio
6:39 - call Dacia and sing it to her
6:40 - Ashley is fetching annoying

(Ashley takes over since Betsy obviously has issues)

-"Where'd you put the movies???" -Ash

-"In a BUUUXXX!!" -Bets

6:43 - Cross the border into Idaho (luckily we get past the border control since we do have Betsy)
6:44 - Jacs lies about a pen mark on Bets' face - hilarious
6:46 - Betsy freaks out because Ashley is breathing
6:52 - My Oh My Yer So Goodlookin' by Blake Shelton=Betsy's FAVE!

(Betsy grabs the log back like a 2 year old)

-"His knightly duties arise..." -Ash  <-----Ashley has her mind in the gutter!

-"Ummm...?" -Bets (Ash: FALSE! Bets' mind can't get out of the gutter!)

7:15 - stop at the creepy gas station in Swan Lake that Jacs is obsessed with
          and get:
                     choco covered nuts
                     cheeeeps (in English=chips)
                     donettas (in English=powdered donuts)
                     baked chips
          we devour the salt and vinegar chips
7:24 - Jacs braves the rain to fix the windshield wiper
7:30 - Ash plays the geetar
7:40 - We stop @ Sinclair in Arimo and change windshield wipers in the
          pouring rain. Fix-it Jacqueline puts wiper back on (w/ help from
          old guy in neck brace) and Ashley and Betsy go puddle jumping.

(Ashley finally gets control of the log again...sanity reigns once more)

8:36 - Bets calls and chatterboxes it to her "real" friend Mumsy
          Ash and Jacs have their own phone convo
          Bets smears her feet across the inside of the windshield
9:02 - Bets FINALLY starts talking to us again (Bets: 24/7 Ashley whines)
          Bets requests a SONG :D
 

(Bets somehow gets her hands on it)

9:37 - Stop @ Sinclair in SUGAR CITY

(Thankfully Ashley gets it back)

10:25 - Start a fire...Bets freaks out because Ash's hand was in the stove
            ate food, watched Red, generator died, fell asleep.
0dark:30 - FREAKIN HOTTER THAN H-E-double hockey sticks

Saturday September 17, 2011

(Bets needs a complain sesh again)

6:00 - Jacqueline wakes up at the butt crack of dawn and
          clanks around loudly for hours on end.
8:34 - We drink hot chocolate
8:51 - Betsy pees with NO INCIDENT

"I'm not getting naked in the wild." -Bets (Jacqueline has a hissy fit)

8:55 - Eat peaches that somebody else picked, clean up
10:02 - Go hiking, climb on rocks w/ beautiful view
1:11 - Pack up and hike out
1:11 - Betsy carries Ashley's 1,000 lb geetar
1:21 - Drive to Jac's house
2:00 - Be true to our city worker selves and load branches into a pickup
          (just like old times!!)
3:30 - Life is pretty much all about horses:
        Catch the horses
        Tie up the horses
        Saddle the horses
        Mount the horses (Betsy is a pro)
        RIDE THE HORSES
                 Jacqueline teaches us how to gallop
                 Ride all over the hills

(Ashley rescues the log)

                 Ride through the pond and over to pick apples
                 Go out to the pasture and ride around the cute little calves
                 Unsaddle all the horses and let them out to pasture
6:30 - Jacs becomes frantic about the lost calf up in the mountains
6:35 - Grab something to eat,
          Ashley's sandwich is fabulous (bread-mayo, ham, tomatoes, lettuce)
          Betsy's is gross (bread-chipotle grossy, ham, pickles of the devil)
6:50 - We gather up all our gear and head out to rescue the little calf
7:11 - Ashley drives the fourwheeler like a freakin PRO
          drivin stick shift isn't a problem
7:15 - Bets gets off and clambers over the fence, Ashley discovers the calf
7:19 - We meet up again - Jacs on horseback - then we go on foot and
          chase calf through fields and thickets, groves and cliffs,
          canyons and hills. Ashley snags the leg to end the chase.

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!" -Jacs

7:46 - Jacs carries the cute little girl to the top of the hill on her shoulders
7:50 - Car smelled like gasoline + cow. Ash nurtured the scared little cow
          to health sitting in the back of the Burb - named her Gabby
8:10 - Took pics of Gabby - Bets FREAKED out when she (Gabby) sucked
          on her fingers

- Got pics. :>

(Betsy somehow gets ahold of it)

         Rankings at Catching Cow
                   (According to Bets...who didn't catch the cow!!)
         Betsy: *********
         Jacs: *****
         Ash: **

"I don't need 15 minute updates every 10 seconds." -Jacs

Things we didn't do that night
    Make volcano cake things
    Go to the drive-in movie
    Be nice to Betsy
    Smell Good
    Eat real food

Things we did do
    Rescue a calf
    Watch the Man from Snowy River (fitting, no?)
    Shower
    Eat lots of delicious snacks/junk food

Sunday September 18, 2011

9:00ish - Wake up
9:30 - Wait for Jacqueline
9:35 - Wait for Jacqueline
9:40 - Wait for Jacqueline
9:45 - Wait for Jacqueline
9:50 - Wait for Jacqueline
9:55 - Wait for Jacqueline
10:00ish - Finally drive home
          Jacs drives maniacally to get home before church to prevent
          us all from becoming sinners

1:08 - Betsy is home!
1:11 - Ashley is home
1:16 - Jacs is home

Log ends. Over and out.

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Falling

"The world around is keeps getting colder. Gradually people are adding more to their daily wardrobe. Being bundled up does little to prepare a person for the chilling of the Logan canyon winds though. I admit I don't wear quite the gear I should when heading up to my university classes. My class is at the other end of campus and by the time I get there I'm sweating more than is ladylike."

This was from December of 2013... I'm not sure where I was going with it but I'm fairly certain it was gonna be good! Just take a look at the title.

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For the Win

 

My roommate has a cat. Her name is Bea. (THIS IS NOT BEA)

Bea and I have an interesting relationship. Having worked with animals with malleable manners (parrots, dogs, horses, pretty much everything else), it has always miffed me this cat thing.

No pecking order. No Alpha. Just independent-un-caring-of-authority felines.

Let's be real though. There's a certain amount of respect that cats will lend you if you:


A. Perform some great act of hunter prowess (i.e. kill the string)
B. Manage to provide them a comfortable sitting/cuddling space
C. (This is the big one) You maintain eye contact...until the cat is forced to look away.

I'm generally able to perform in all categories. But the latter is my forte if you will. Bea cannot seem to get that I am the champ. She will try to start the contest when I am not currently looking. Therefore invalid.

But for the record, I'm the reigning champion.

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Courageously Restarting

I forgot about my blog. (boo-hiss) Luckily I don't have a TON of followers or else that would get awkward.........


I'd like to think that starting over is perfectly normal. Exercising. Few of us have 100% attendance. Same with eating healthy. I actually had a journal entry about this just this morning! Funny how things crop up. I don't believe in coincidence either.

The blog was something for me to use the literary word to express myself during difficult times or ironic times or funny times or just plain good times. I find that I miss that feeling. But I grew up - graduated college and moved to a new place where I got caught up in trying to connect to real-life people. So now that I'm settled - nearly 3 years later - "I'M BACK!!!!"

You wouldn't think about it but the Lord wants us to always understand the idea of starting over. I think as humans it's almost second nature to let things slip and then try again and then let it slip and try again and again and again. The Atonement of Jesus Christ allows us to do this. No matter what the circumstance is. So even for my silly blogging that got dropped for a few years...starting over again always feels so good! So. Let the adventure begin. Again.

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